“You think the dead we loved ever truly leave us? You think that we don’t recall them more clearly than ever in times of great trouble?” Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
I haven’t written in an unusually long time. It has been a tough time for many and it just didn’t seem like I could get my thoughts into words well enough to continue writing like I was before. I realized how deeply I miss it. The number of books I would read for the pure joy of sharing my thoughts, regardless of whether or not someone out there was enjoying my thoughts.
My sister was diagnosed with cervical cancer in 2020, that took a lot of “umph” out of me. Cancer is one of those words that immediately has you on edge, but Deborah? No. Not Deb. She was scared in the way you get nervous for the unknown, but we let people know and we went about our business. Treatments, tests, and appointments galore, one foot in front of the other. After many chemo and radiations we were excited because she was doing so well! We spent the holiday season being able to go about our business, mostly as usual, celebrating with family and what not. Unfortunately come the new year she found lumps in places they definitely should not be. This time the fear was a different color, we were both terrified. The lumps were cancerous and the doctor was going to have to do higher doses. To be honest, everything blurs together, how absolutely wonderful, strong, and graceful Deborah was the whole time, in ways that I can’t even imagine being able to do if I was going through it. Everything was great until it wasn’t, I vividly remember the day we both knew there was going to be no coming back from it all, it was a simple look and a simple sentence, “I’m just so tired.” Watching the strongest person you know slowly deteriorate into a shadow of what they were, is something I would never wish on a single being in the world.
The hardest part is in the quiet moments when some stupid inside joke or funny little story pops up and immediately my thoughts are to share with her. The purpose of this was not to depress but to simply get my thoughts out. I have been having a hard time writing because my best friend and sister, my rock, my amazing support system, is no longer with me. I had an incredible amount of change happen in a very short time, the loss of my sister, the loss of my job, moving, just one thing after the other really. Writing just wasn’t on my mind and on the random times it was on my mind, I had no idea what to say. I want to write again because it makes me happy and I know how happy and supportive Deb was when I told her I wanted to make my own blog.
So, here’s to you Deborah Michelle! My Harry Potter buddy, my sister, my best friend, my rock, my sestra! For being my first friend, my first enemy, my first confidant, and my strongest supporter. I love you more than I can ever say and don’t worry, I’m taking care of myself, I know how concerned you were about me. Anytime I get “woe is me,” I just think about the ugly look you would give me while you would tell me to “get off my ass and make the best of it!” So that’s what I’m doing, getting off my ass and making the best of it, some days are harder than others but I know you’ve got my back! After all…
“To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone